Maggie Harrison Dupré

Billionaire Bill Gates is sad about the world's current state of affairs — so he says he's donating virtually all of his personal wealth in order to fix it.

SuperBill

Tell us something we don't know, guy!

Bill Gates Says Sorry the World Isn't Going So Great

A NASA update has revealed that after a series of delays, the Psyche asteroid mission is under review and may ultimately be scrapped.

Expensive Mistakes

This mission has been in the works for years.

NASA May Cancel Mission to Zillion Dollar Asteroid

Crypto winter has apparently reached the high seas. OpenSea, the world's most popular NFT marketplace, has announced widespread layoffs, joining several other industry leaders who have had to make major workforce cuts amid the cryptosphere's catastrophic slump.

ClosedSea

"The reality is that we have entered an unprecedented combination of crypto winter and broad macroeconomic instability."

Top NFT Marketplace OpenSea Fires 20 Percent of Its Employees

NASA's Perseverance Mars rover discovered something strange as it traversed Mars on Tuesday — a string-like material that looked like noodles.

Knees Weak, Mars Spaghetti

That's a new one!

NASA Intrigued by Noodle-Like Object Found on Mars

While a Texas weatherman was warning that the ongoing heat wave might cause widespread blackouts, the news studio's power suddenly went out.

Heat Wave

Talk about timing.

Studio Power Goes Out While Weatherman Warns About Rolling Blackouts

Some things last forever. Some things, like President Biden's no-handshake policy for his ongoing Israel visit, last, like, five minutes.

Fist Bump

Developments

Oh, Joe.

Biden Stops Shaking Hands to Fight COVID Spread, Forgets Minutes Later

Embattled crypto lender Celsius finally filed for bankruptcy yesterday, and there's still no telling when, or if, customers will ever get their money back.

Bank Yourself

"In reality, it had become a Ponzi scheme."

Crypto Lender That Kept Bragging About How Great It Was Files for Bankruptcy

American dystopia reaches new highs, and startups reach new lows. Case in point: these in-class bulletproof sheds, where students can hide from shooters.

The Worst

Welcome to America.

Company Suggests Hiding Students in Fortified Boxes So School Shooters Can't Get Them

Health officials in France are saying that the preservative nitrates often added to processed meat — including charcuterie — are linked to colon cancer.

Meat Sweats

Studies

Not the charcuterie!!!

Doctors Warn That Scrumptious Instagram Trend Is Giving You Colon Cancer

Donald Trump is angry with billionaire Elon Musk, and yesterday he decided to take to Truth Social to unleash vitriol against the frenemy founder.

Grampa Simpson

"I could have said, 'drop to your knees and beg,' and he would have done it."

Donald Trump Just Bludgeoned Elon Musk With a Vicious Attack

Introducing: The "Bear Market Screaming Therapy Group," a Telegram group where downtrodden everyday crypto investors go to scream crypto winter woes away.

Waahahahah

"They weren’t even able to scream anymore. They were just sobbing."

Crypto Investors Are Creating Voice Chats Where They Just Scream and Sob

Digital grifters are holding a number of restaurants hostage with terrible Google ratings, asking for digital gift cards in exchange for deleting the posts.

Maggie Harrison Dupré

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