The plight of the massive cargo ship haplessly trapped in the Suez Canal has captured the hearts and minds of the entire world.
However, one person has been suspiciously quiet about the whole situation: Elon Musk.
After all, this was the same guy who created an entire submarine to free the Thai children trapped in a cave in 2018. Which begs the question: Why hasn’t the Technoking of Tesla proposed any galaxy-brain solutions to help the ship from the Suez Canal?
Well, there’s a good chance that he just hasn’t come up with any good ideas. That’s why we emerged from the bong cloud to offer up a few of our own:
1. Attach Falcon Heavy boosters to the ship and send it into low-earth orbit
This one’s an obvious move for the SpaceX founder and CEO: Attach a few of the Falcon Heavy boosters to the ship and fire them off into space.
Of course, the ship weighs roughly 200,000 metric tons — which is a little more than the booster’s max payload of 140,700 lbs.
According to our back of the napkin math, that just means that Musk needs to attach 3,134 Falcon Heavy boosters to the ship for it to work. He should probably get started now if he wants this done anytime this decade.
2. Dig a new canal around the ship
Musk founded the Boring Company to provide infrustrastruce and tunneling services. That means he already has the equipment he needs to simply dig a new route around the cargo ship.
Plus — let's be honest — it’s not like he’s using them on actually creating the Hyperloop or anything.
3. Actually build a giant robot with a crane penis
Musk recently tweeted out this image touting his "new crane":
Check out our new crane pic.twitter.com/PE4vL6uKcb
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 27, 2021
Obviously, it’s a joke. But we propose he actually follows through and create a robot with a crane erection so big it could move the shipping container.
He’ll even be able to use it later to help construct the boosters for SpaceX. Double win!
4. Send his army of fanboys to help push the ship free
Perhaps no figure has more people online defending his every action than Elon Musk.
Just look at any replies to tweets critical of the Tesla CEO.
When you write any article about Elon Musk. pic.twitter.com/HbcBZEKY6a
— Tony Ho Tran (@TonyHoWasHere) March 27, 2021
Well, he can put his legion to good use by sending them to the Suez Canal to push the ship out of the canal. They probably could use the time away from the Internet anyway.
5. Pay $10 billion a day in lost trade revenue
For each day that the ship blocks the Suez Canal, it’s estimated that there’s a $10 billion loss to trade.
Elon Musk has a net worth of $157 billion. That means he can bankroll all the companies losing money on the blocked trade route for up to 15 days!
Surely, the ship should be freed before then. In the meantime, Musk can help offset the lost profits by throwing a few billion dollars in the collection plate.