Amid his bizarre and expensive efforts to reverse aging or gain eternal life, tech founder-turned-biohacker Bryan Johnson is now — we wish we were making this up — comparing his erections with those of his 19-year-old son.
In a post on X-formerly-Twitter, the 47-year-old longevity enthusiast presented what he refers to as "nighttime erection data" for himself and his son, whose name is Talmage.
As the Braintree founder explained, the younger Johnson's erectile "duration" was two minutes longer than his own. If the confusingly-marked dashboard shared in the post is to be believed, each man had roughly three hours' worth of erections per night, and the son had exactly one more "erection episode" than the five his father experienced.
"Raise children to stand tall, be firm, and be upright," Johnson added, in case readers weren't yet feeling quite enough secondhand embarrassment. He also added in another post that his son is his "best friend," which would be sweet in almost any different context but seems awfully weird in this one.
Unfortunately, Johnson having five boners per night seems to suggest that his single-minded quest to return his penis to its youth — which has also involved the man having his long-suffering genitals electrocuted and shot up with Botox, is working. As studies have shown, the average 20-to-26-year-old man also has five erections per night. Similar studies suggest that nocturnal erections decrease progressively with age, dependent on various health factors and quality of sleep.
Per the dick dashboard data, both father and son have an "AndroAge" of 22. The elder Johnson may even have the edge over his son on "average erection quality," whatever that means, with his being scored at a 94 while the younger's was a mere 90. The data also indicates that the 47-year-old is getting more "efficient" slumber than his 19-year-old son, likely due to the elder's extremely strict sleeping habits that see him in bed by 8:30 PM with little "arousal" beforehand.
As you may recall, Talmage Johnson last made waves nearly two years ago when, at age 17, his father was infused with his teen blood in hopes of receiving its regenerative powers, while giving some of his own blood to his own dad. Jarringly similar to the "blood boy" plot line on HBO's "Silicon Valley," that gruesome scenario brought Johnson — an early investor in Futurism who hasn't been involved with the site for years — into the public eye.
Back in 2023, biochemist Larry Brenner of the City of Hope National Medical Center in Los Angeles told Bloomberg that the practice of young blood transfusions is, to his mind, "gross, evidence-free, and relatively dangerous."
"The people going into these [longevity] clinics who want anti-aging infusions basically have an anxiety problem," Brenner elaborated. "They have an anxiety problem about their mortality."
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