We regret to inform you that biohacking tech millionaire Bryan Johnson — you know, the one who's obsessed with rewinding his biological age to 18 — is back at it again. And this time, regrettably, his penis is the main attraction.
Readers of The Onion might recall that earlier this month, the satirical publication took aim at Johnson, cooking up a fictional story in which he bragged that his "penis was finally as small as a baby's" after experimental medical treatments.
Now, it sounds as though life is imitating parody. After finding that he received "no benefit" from getting blood transfusions from his teen son, Johnson — who, we should mention, was an early investor in Futurism, though he no longer has any involvement — is now subjecting his own johnson to a bizarre but apparently real therapy in which, as Rolling Stone reports, practitioners shock their junk with sonic waves.
Known as "shockwave therapy," the practice — when not used on one's genitals — is touted by institutions ranging from Boston Children's Hospital to the Cleveland Clinic as a regenerative therapy, most often used to treat various musculoskeletal conditions like plantar fasciitis or tennis elbow.
While the way the technology works is pretty complex, it essentially involves sending low-energy shockwaves through a device that focuses on a specific problem area, "stimulating increased blood flow and growth hormones to the area [and] promoting new tissue growth," the Boston Children's Hospital noted in its safe-for-work splash page on the therapy.
"This process is very similar to weightlifting," Stephanie Wolff, the CEO of the Los Angeles' Novus Anti-Aging Center, told Rolling Stone. "As you create micro-tears in the muscle, the body’s response is to repair and regenerate the muscle tissue into a sturdier, healthier tissue with an increase in blood flow."
If you're wondering whether this departure from using his son as a blood boy may be dangerous for Johnson, you're not alone. As the University of Utah's urology department notes, most people who shock their dicks therapeutically are usually fine, and those who do have negative side effects often find them "rare and generally mild." That said, there are some pretty gruesome side effects that can occur, including but not limited to painful erections, bruising, blood in urine, and/or "penile curvature that worsens," whatever that means.
Though there's no doubt that folks like Johnson have no problem dropping trou and having their dicks assailed in a doctor's office, Wolff told Rolling Stone that her clinic sells their own bespoke wand device so patients can administer the treatment at home. Known as "The Phoenix," one could easily mistake Novus' shockwave machine for a run-of-the-mill sex toy, though people who are into being shocked sexually often use cattle prod-esque contraptions to get that particular effect.
Wolff told the magazine that her clinic sees all types and ages of men, from "A-list celebrities to truck drivers" and sometimes "even porn stars who are looking to be at their best." If you're trying to shock your junk back to peak performance, however, you may be out of luck: the experimental and non-FDA-approved therapy is not covered by insurance and can cost thousands of dollars out of pocket.
The lingering question, of course, is whether this aspect of Johnson's "Blueprint" age-reversing protocol is going to work — and given that he's teased that he may post photos of his penile progress, we'll let you check that one out yourselves.
More on penis procedures: Terrible Things Are Happening to Men Who Got Penis Enlargement
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