Haliey "The Hawk Tuah Girl" Welch is making headlines for running what seems like almost certainly some form of cryptocurrency scam.
Of course, that's what happens every day in crypto, so if you lost any money in the fracas, you're either a complete imbecile, an easy mark, or down so bad that we have no practical advice to offer.
The real crime here, in our opinion, is a grievous oversight by Welch's crack team: calling her crash-and-burned Solana-based memecoin "$HAWK" instead of the incredibly obvious and much funnier "Spitcoin."
Welch's entire origin story, after all, is expectorative. Around six months ago, she burst onto the scene when a street video of her explaining her fellatio secret move — "you gotta give 'em the 'hawk tuah,' and spit on that thang" — went mega-viral.
In the intervening months, she launched her own podcast called "Talk Tuah" and featured crypto investor Mark Cuban as one of her guests. A Dogecoin and Bitcoin holder herself, Welch went on to capitalize on her viral fame by launching her own memecoin — but instead of calling it "Spitcoin," which would have been a hilarious riff on "bitcoin," its related epithet "shitcoin," and her foundational myth, it simply trades under the ticker $HAWK.
Amid allegations of insider trading and "pump-and-dump" scheming against Welch and her crypto advisers — claims she has denied online — various commentators have rushed to point out the young Southern woman's missed opportunity. Jokesters on social media are sounding off en masse about Welch not taking her oral sex quip to its logical endpoint — even while those who purchased it call for her to be jailed for the alleged rug pull that resulted in them losing a ton of money.
In fact, the peanut gallery had been making similar suggestions for months prior to the disastrous $HAWK launch. Back in September, one X user tweeted that the "hawk tuah girl should just start her own crypto... she can call it, i don’t know spitcoin." Though that post only got two likes, it ended up being prophetic.
While we can't know for sure why Welch didn't choose that obvious name — there's no listed contact information for her online, and she's probably been inundated with all manner of colorful messages this week anyway — it may have to do with an apparent fan making their own spitcoin memes and claiming to launch their own crypto under the name back in October.
From the start, the tale of the Hawk Tuah Girl has been a particularly bizarre instance of virality as both Welch and the people in her circle attempt to monetize her fifteen minutes of fame with extraordinary aggression. If the whole thing is going to go down in flames, can't she at least be funny about it?
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