In the Event of Nuclear War, Here's a List of Absurd Things You Should Never Do

Bombs Away

We're living in some uneasy times. Elon Musk is fighting killer robots, climate change denial has reached new heights, there's going to be a theme park based on Twilight, and the President of the United States is engaging in a verbal showdown with North Korea, putting the world back on the brink of mutually assured destruction for the first time since the end of the Cold War.

With this in mind, let's take a few moments to address some of the things that you should not do in the event of a nuclear war. The internet is a treasure trove of knowledge on the dos and don'ts of Armageddon, and here we will compile some of the most important ones.

(Nuclear) Winter is Coming

Perhaps the first and most important "don't" during the end of the world is to not, under any circumstances, set off a nuclear weapon. It is very bad business for those interested in living. This rule applies to every person, regardless of sex, creed, origin, or status as the leader of a nuclear weapon state, no exceptions!

Sadly, however, all it takes is one bad apple to irradiate the bunch (and rest of the world along with it). So, what should you not do in the event of a nuclear attack?

Under no circumstances should you look at the flash or fireball. Unlike those made for use during our beloved eclipse, there aren't many stores stocked with nuclear flash grade paper glasses. You will go blind, and that will just make defending yourself against the inevitable roving bands of mutants in the post-apocalypse so much more difficult.

Fallout? Oh Boy!

Do not immediately remove all of your clothing. We understand that bombs may make things unseasonably hot, yet there is an even more practical reason for remaining clothed. After the bomb drops and explodes, the danger is not over. Clouds of radioactive fallout will be scattered up to hundred of miles away from ground zero. The best advice for dealing with fallout is to remove the outermost layer of clothing, which will reduce the amount of fallout collected on your person by up to 90 percent. If you are unclothed, you will have a tough time removing that all-natural remaining outer layer.

Speaking of fallout: you must not attempt to ingest it. It will not make you a superhero. It will give you cancer, or worse. Fallout can remain dangerous for up to two weeks after an event, so if you are in an adequate shelter, make sure that you remain tucked away for at least that long.

Finally, once you emerge from your supremely-crafted blast or fallout shelter, do not assume that everyone you encounter is a zombie. Even so, please be careful when meeting new people. As The Walking Dead has taught us, during the post-apocalypse, other people are the real threat.