Scientists Find that Hosing Glizzies Is Basically a Death Sentence

As millions of Americans stock up on hot dogs ahead of Independence Day, researchers have some bad news: those franks are deadly — no tails, snouts, or butts about it.

The tragic news comes from a survey published in Nature Medicine, an esteemed biomedical research journal. Combing over 60 previous nutrition studies on processed foods — specifically cured meat, sugary drinks, and trans fatty acids, all staples of the North American diet — researchers determined there's "no safe amount" of processed food humans can eat.

The survey established an iron-clad link between the consumption of those three foodstuffs and chronic diseases like type 2 diabetes, ischemic heart disease, and colon cancer.

For example, the data showed that even eating one hot dog a day leads to an 11 percent greater risk of type 2 diabetes, and a seven percent increased risk of colon cancer, compared to non-glizzy guzzlers.

"This current research has shown, yet again and consistent with prior research… that to achieve health gains it is best to avoid or minimize the habitual consumption of each of processed meat, sugar-sweetened beverages, and industrially produced trans fatty acids," Dr. Nita Forouhi, head of nutritional epidemiology at the University of Cambridge, told CNN.

While the science seems sound, decoupling America from the humble frankfurter may be easier said than done.

According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (NHDSC) — arguably a biased source — the US collectively consumes anywhere between 9 and 20 billion hot dogs per year. It's estimated that some 150 million of those are eaten on the 4th of July alone.

Meanwhile, a 2021 survey reported by BEEF Magazine — seriously, who else has this kind of data? — found that 73 percent of Americans believe hot dogs are "essential to a cookout."

Of course, hot dogs are just one of many things consumed around the world that aren't necessarily "good" for you. But for Jamie Loftus, the author of "Raw Dog: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs," the glizzy is the perfect avatar to represent everything wrong with the industrial meat industry.

In her book, Loftus follows the frank along its entire lifecycle, detailing the depression-era roots of the hot dog, the role of hot dog eating competitions, the horrors of factory farming, and the lack of federal oversight over meat industry labor conditions.

It's not a pretty story, to put it mildly, but it is an important reflection on the state of food in the United States — especially in light of the fact that glizzies are literally killing us.

Joey Chestnut did not respond to a request for comment.

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