Everyone loves a trainwreck Twitter rant, but who in the world has time to read 147 tweets about how non-fungible tokens (NFTs) are the future and also, uh, how they're causing one guy's divorce?
If you hadn't noticed, NFT madness has become one of our top beats here at Futurism, and we're pleased to announce that this reporter sifted through all 147 sad, goofy, desperate, and unhinged tweets from a user with the handle DeltaWither so that you didn't have to.
For those lucky enough to not have come across the many, many jokes and incredulous quote-tweets over Thanksgiving weekend, it can best be summarized as an absolutely bonkers thread in which Twitter user DeltaWither details that their wife is leaving them for taking out a $186,00 loan so they could buy a Lazy Lion NFT.
There's a whole lot of unknowns to get out of the way before delving into the best bits of the thread that is, in fact, an exhausting 147-tweets long. For instance, while we can assume that the user is a man, they never identify themselves and therefore we don't really know. We also don't know whether or not they're serious, and at least one person has wondered whether DeltaWither was doing a "bit," be it Horse_ebooks-style performance art or a really, really dedicated troll.
The other, and perhaps most important, question the thread raises is whether DeltaWither might be experiencing some form of mental illness. As someone who actually read the whole thing, it's clear to this reporter that if this person is serious and not trolling, they are at very least obsessive, given that they repeat lots of phrases over and over and keep interjecting into their own thread to beg their wife "Karen" — another sign that the whole thing might be a dark joke — to come back to them.
Whatever the truth is, here are some of the best quotes from this viral rant. If you're curious, you can read it all much more easily via ThreadReader. These are listed chronologically, and each explains the story as it unfolded.
The Exposition
"[E]ven my wife is against me. She left to live with her parents, and she has been talking about custody of our two children. I can't believe this. The love of my life may actually be thinking about divorcing me because she can not understand the business of the future. I tried to explain it to her, it's not just an image, it's an investment. I buy it for 186k, someone else buys it from me for 500k."
"But she doesn't understand, this is NOTHING like the tulip mania. If you actually understood what you are talking about, maybe you would see the differences. But she doesn't care. All she's thinking about is divorcing me and getting custody of our children because of my ‘shitty financial decisions’."
NFT Utopia
"Look at yourself, are you happy with who you are? Are you happy living for work, living with barely enough money? Look at your surroundings, there are people even less fortunate than you EVERYWHERE. NFTs can solve that problem forever! Don't you see? Just for a few laughs on the internet you steal NFTs, at the cost of the future of humanity."
"Once everyone embraces NFTs and there is no poverty, we can all solve climate change TOGETHER. What is so hard to understand? This is not a get rich quick scam, it's a way of life, a movement that will change society as we know it."
They Have a Plan For That
"Make a big pool of ethereum and NFTs, and use it to buy the biggest governments in the world: the United States, the European Union, Russia, China, India, Japan, the UK, Canada, Australia, you get the point. Of course, we are not going to own the entire government, the point is to act in the shadows, like the feared Illuminati."
“For hackers who find ways to steal NFTs bypassing the screenshot and right click save prevention mechanisms, we will give them from 10 years to life in prison, unless they delete the stolen NFT and give the owner back as much value as was stolen by paying with other NFTs.”
"I Will Not Have My Wife Imprisoned"
“And I am not a tyrant, I will not have my wife imprisoned for not believing in me, it's not her fault that she has been brainwashed into believing fiat is better than NFTs. In fact, I will be waiting for her with open arms. One day she will realize this is the work of genius, not insanity, and she will come running at me, asking for forgiveness. Of course, I will forgive her, since I'm not a tyrant as I said earlier."
Betting Living Through NFTs
"When everyone has finally embraced NFTs, all screenshotters and right click savers have been stopped, fiat has been overthrown, currency has been completely decentralized, and everyone is free and happy, we can just pay scientists to figure out how to stop global warming and how to make NFTs and ethereum more environmentally friendly."
"NFTs will NOT be stopped or hindered by anything. Even if blood is shed, even if families are broken, even if the world crumbles because of the downfall of fiat, nothing will stop us."
Bargaining Stage
"Please, fiat people, stop. From the bottom of my heart, please, I ask you to stop now. I don't want to hurt anyone, but if you keep stealing NFts you are giving me no other option. If you keep going down this path, maybe I will have to jail you myself in the future for hacking devices to be able to steal NFTs. Please, stop now, realize that what you are doing is wrong and hindering the progress of humanity. Future generations will thank you for understanding."
"Please, you are not busting scams, you are busting the currencies of the future, and quite honestly, you are also busting my balls."
Paranoid Wife Guy
"Please NFTbros, don't be deceived by their words, especially SomeOrdinaryGamer's. Maybe it was him who deceived my wife into believing fiat is better than crypto. That makes sense. She likes to watch youtube sometimes, so maybe that's it. Or maybe it was the kids, they are always watching youtube."
"I will show my wife that I am willing to do anything for her. Maybe she doesn't realize it now, but I am trying to save her. She just doesn't understand my intentions. I love her so so so much, and it pains me to watch her being dragged down by the outdated centralized currency mindset."
There's much, much more madness in the thread, but these highlights and the tome they come from are either the work of a very sad and brainwashed individual or a next-level troll that's playing 4D chess with us all.
Either way, this bonkers thread begs the question: what is it about NFTs that makes people go batshit? And even if the thread is fake, why does it feel so real?
More right-clicker mentality: New Website Shows How Silly NFTs Are by Pirating Them
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